I wish I could send my family off in the morning without getting so upset at everyone. My husband is the worst, too.  He drives both kids to school – but I get up before everyone else, take my shower, make coffee, make breakfast & lunches for the kids…  and my husband gets up at *the last possible minute* and takes his shower and then always has all of these other things he needs to do – unload his car, back something up the computer, whatever.   He only takes care of himself and he never gives himself ENOUGH TIME… so everyone is rushed and he does nothing to help get the kids out the door.  Nothing.  It’s as if he has decided that driving them to school – which is, you know, on his way to work – is the sole contribution he should be called upon to do in the morning routine. 

Which is nice for him, in theory, but also holds no water since, when they were in public elementary and had to be there, like, an hour earlier than they do now, he couldn’t be inconvenienced to get to work so early and so I used to drive them…  AND STILL DO EVERYTHING TO GET THEM READY IN THE A.M.   He would stay in bed, and wake up as we were leaving…

I’m really starting to resent this.  I have had so many conversations, expressed so many times my frustration, and proposed so many alternative plans – how about he gets up a half hour earlier to get himself ready AND help with the kids?  How about we switch off days doing breakfasts & lunches?   But it never works and it always seems like I’m punishing the kids instead of him.  It also never works because I *NATURALLY* wake up earlier than everyone else – even on the weekends – and so I would have to just make a scene and statement by sitting there, not helping, watching them all scurry around.  When the thing is – I don’t mind helping get the kids out the door in the a.m. – I’d just like a co-parent or some back-up… not a 3rd selfish kid slowing us down. 

This is how these things happen…. slowly, but they happen.  When one person does not work for pay – or works at home – or does not work full-time….  the kids, the house, etc. become that person’s domain.  Which, fine, there is some division of labor involved.  But it is increasingly difficult for the working-outside-the-home person (especially if that person is male, let’s not kid ourselves) to see why they should work for pay, outside the home, AND ALSO do much work or split the work at home.  Because it’s PARENTING, you  might say, regardless of your job situation or personal interests or schedule.  It just needs to get done and it should be split.  Sounds simple enough. 

But the truth is… when one person works for pay, outside the home, and comes home to do a whole bunch of other work-related stuff AND try to spend time with their kids and have personal downtime, it’s hard for the at-home non-working-for-pay person to say, “Can you please get those sheets out of the dryer & make up the beds?  I’m busy sitting here playing Sudoku on my Nook.”  kwim?  

Don’t get me wrong – I DO say that, quite often     But it starts to lose its force after awhile.  And it’s not just the matter of the sheets in the dryer, it’s who decided to wash them in the first place & made sure they got into the dryer so they’d be ready at night?  And who went out & bought new pillows & pillowcases when the old ones were getting shabby?  And who makes sure we have laundry detergent & fabric softener, so those last-minute loads of laundry can get done and everyone has clean sheets & jeans & socks & gym clothes?  All of that goes unseen… those are invisible things that just magically get done.

And so I am conscious enough to make sure they are NOT invisible – I point them out – I say, “I stripped the beds & washed the sheets & put them in they dryer, so can you know make the beds?”

And then I sound petty and, worse, LOOK petty because he’s making the bed while I sit & play on my Nook. 

And don’t say, well, the kids are old enough to wash & make their own beds & make their own meals… perhaps, but they still need supervision.  And I’m talking about our bed, too.  And none of that erases the fact that someone, still, has to OVERSEE all of that…

So what is the resolution?  Do the invisible work AND the visible work, even if the resentment slowly gnaws away at your soul?  Just accept the division of roles – that the work outside the home is just as valuable as the work inside the home? 

Perhaps, but my husband also claims to support my writing career.  Since I make no money at said career, perhaps it is ME who feels that work has no value and I can’t prioritize it.  But I think it’s easy for my husband, in the name of support, to say, ”Just write & don’t clean the house!”  “Do whatever you want.”  “Go work in the cafe if the house bothers you.”   “I believe in you & want you to write your book.” 

Without backing it up with real shared responsibility at home. 

Does that mean he will pick up any slack at home?  No.  I was sick all weekend with a sinus infection and my house FELL APART.  And I was left with a catastrophe of a house this a.m.  I got the kids to do a quick clean-up of their rooms this a.m., but the living & dining room & kitchen are out of control because he just ignored that all weekend…. while I was sick and sleeping much of the time. 

His support for my goals gets translated in my head more like this: “Do whatever you want.  Write your book!  I believe in your ability to write a book AND keep the household functioning without asking me to do anything around the house.  I truly do.”     

Ok, I need to get to work.  You vote:  1. write a book, or 2. clean the house?